Dear Louise,

Congratulations on your blog.  I pray that God blesses you to have a lot of success!  Here is my question.  Please be patient as I try to explain myself.  When I was younger, I was always told that when I grow up, I will get married to the man God has chosen for me.  I became and adult and that man never came.  As I grew older, I went from the don’t-worry-just-wait-on-God club to the 20 questions interrogation Are-you-looking?-Did-you-make-a-list?-Did-you-pray-about-this?-Did-you-fast-and-pray? club to receiving pitying-glances-from-across-the room-because-she-never-got-married club. I’ve experienced being patronized, looked down on, disrespected and laughed at from others because of my singleness.  But the worst is when someone acts as if all of my emotions and life has dried up and died because of my age.  I actually heard a person say, that I no longer have romantic feelings because I am old.  I am in my thirties!  I heard this pastor say that some of us will never get married especially if we are older because the women outnumber the men and we need to just ‘deal with it’. On that note, where are the men???  I felt like the pastor was saying, ‘get over it already!’ Is it too late for me?  Should I just give up on love?  If so, what should I do with all these emotions and this deep desire to for companionship in the shape of a mate?   So, I wonder… Is that it for me?  Do I give up and accept my fate as a modern-day spinster?” (Yikes!  It makes me cringe just thinking about it). 

Thank you,

Still Single

Dear Still Single,

Don’t you dare give up!!!  Don’t you dare.  Not even a little bit!  There are still a lot of good single men out there who desire a deep committed relationship with a good woman. Yes even a woman who is in her thirties or above.  Honestly? I don’t believe that a woman is single because there is a lack of prospects  – I just don’t.  Is its easier to meet men when you are younger?  Yes, you definitely have more time and opportunities.  However as you get older, you become preoccupied with work and responsibilities. I know many examples of men and women whose social life took a backseat as they focused on building their careers and establishing financial security for themselves.  When you are over thirty you will have to become more creative in meeting like-minded individuals not because they do not exist.  They exist! Because they are busy with their lives. Trust me, they are wondering where you are as well.  So where are they?  I called some of my male friends to spill the beans and  here are three places where single men over thirty dwell…

1.  At work

I’ve met plenty of men who felt like they couldn’t get married until they were financially stable or until they felt they had all of their ducks in a row.   I find men to be very practical and responsible.  A good man knows that it marriage is expensive and deeply desires to be able to  provide for their family. This means a lot of time will be spent working on financial security, building status, making a name for himself… By the way, let me get on my soapbox for a moment… You wouldn’t believe the overwhelming self-esteem issues that some men have. It takes a lot of confidence to approach a woman & pursue something and to be in a relationship you do have to think that you have some thing to offer. Some guys don’t think they could maintain interest in a woman & consider themselves to be deficient. Therefore, they don’t bother until they feel like they are in a better position.

3. Online Dating Sites

As I said before, I find that men are extremely practical.  They look for the most logical and expedient way to get from point A to B. This makes online dating a very attractive solution.  From the comfort of their office or home, they could screen the opposite sex, take all the time they need to write a witty repartee, go out on dates and if it doesn’t work out rinse and repeat. The cool part is this – you can do this too!  Dating online today is widely accepted.  I now have lost count of how many couples I know who met online and are now married.  Make sure you proceed with caution (as you would in a face to face situation).  However, be open to letting go of fear and creating an authentic connection.  You just might be pleasantly surprised.

4. At home

Within the last few years I have been talking to more men about relationships which is always lots of fun.  However, on this journey, I came across a group of men that I don’t know where to place.  They are single and not dating.  They are not even trying to date…  They are not gay or a confirmed bachelor.  They want to be in a relationship, yet they are doing nothing about it!  I call them the sloth.  They go to work, they come home, they go to sleep and wake up the next morning to do it all over again.  They make no effort to meet, and connect with women. It’s like they gave up, maybe?  Very confusing…  I can’t give you more information about these gentlemen, but I intend to do more research and revisit this topic again.  I will say this, look around you.  In you circle of friends, in your neighborhood, in your church…  Is there anyone who’s just… there???  Find out why.  He may just be a diamond in the rough.  Again, many men are a lot  more shy than we might image.

I want you to be encouraged, this past year alone, I have had several of my female friends who are in their late thirties and early forties enter into relationships, got married, had children.  True story – It’s never too late!  I ask you to please, stay open and give “him” a chance.  I will leave you with this quote.

“If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life.”
Cher

All the best,

Louise

I need YOUR Advice on this one! Please help.  If you have any comments, feel free to post them below.  Any questions can be sent to lifeaccordingtolouise1@gmail.com