“Dear Louise,

Congratulations on your new blog! I am so happy for you!  This is my question. Why do I keep attracting men who are taken (married, in a relationship)?  I know my worth and I am above playing second fiddle! These guys are disgusting!  Yet that is all I seem to be attracting.  No one single.  But if they are in a relationship, they seem to find time to harass me. What am I doing wrong? The worst part is that they are in the church!!! Why can’t I attract someone who is single? Am I sending out a wrong vibe?  If so, what can I do to change that and attract a good SINGLE man?”

Hi There!

Thank you for your uplifting words.  Please feel free to share this blog with all of your friends.  I hope it’s a blessing to you.  As for your question… It’s really disappointing to hear that this type of behavior is going on period, much less in the church.  unfortunately, this is one of the pitfalls that a single woman has to look out for.  There are men out there (yes, even in the church) who just aren’t honorable.  They are selfish, self-absorbed liars that look out only for number one.  In the interest of fairness, I want to state that I know that there are women like this as well.  I don’t want to be unfair.  Since this question came from a woman, we will approach this from a female perspective.  I met a woman who approached me with the same situation. it all about killed her self-esteem because she felt so dirty after each encounter.  She wondered if these men spoke to each other because their behavior was so similar.  After some serious questioning and soul-searching we discovered the following that you might find helpful in your situation…

1.  Sometimes we attract the wrong men because we’re subconsciously afraid of attracting the right one. Attracting a good man offers the possibility of a committed relationship, and that can be scary. So I want you to ask yourself, “If Mr. right were to show up right now, would I be ready to receive him?” “Am I sure?” Why? Why not?  If your answer is no.  You might have a wall up that is blocking him or anyone like him from accessing you yet allowing mr. wrong in because you know they have no chance whatsoever.

2. There ARE single men around but they aren’t viewed by you as attractive. My good friend came up with this theory that the majority of men or women spend their time chasing and being attracted to the same eight people who everyone else wants.  There is no way that these eight individuals can marry everyone therefore someone will lose out.  However, while this chase is going on good, viable single men and women are simultaneously being overlooked because they do not meet the “criteria” (which is more often than not, superficial).  If they are being overlooked guess what’s left?  All you will see are the bad apples.  Take a good look around you.  Are you really ONLY attracting married and taken men Or are there any single men that are approaching you but you are not noticing because they are not your “type”?  I am not telling  you to lower your standards, I am asking you to look at your mental list and see if it’s realistic or reasonable. It just might need some tweaking…

3.  Stop being so nice! Let me tell you what I mean by nice.  I think the word nice is misunderstood therefore misused.  Women are raised to be nice all of the time.  Remember the story the Bible of the 10 virgins in Mt 25:6 – 7 ?  Five were wise and five were foolish.  The foolish virgins used up their lamp oil and asked the wise virgins to share their oil with them.  The wise virgins did something that women rarely do. They refused, stating that there was not enough oil for everyone.  They went so far as to instruct the foolish virgins to go buy their own oil. While the five foolish virgins were buying their oil they missed out on receiving the bridegroom.  Had the wise virgins given away their oil then all ten would have missed out.  This is a great example of women setting clear and healthy boundaries which makes this story unique.  Most of the women I know would have given the oil and asked God why they missed out.  There are times in your life when it’s appropriate to set up clear boundaries to protect yourself. Please note: Even if it means hurting someone else’s feelings (not intentionally, mind you, but it happens).  Too often, I see a woman get hurt because she thought to be nice (AKA a good Christian) is synonymous with being a doormat. Manipulative individuals bank on this belief in order to get away with bad behavior.  Please protect yourself!

You may be sending a subconscious message to these men, but they are also sending a message to you.  It is one that says they do not respect you, their family, God and themselves.  Feel free to set your boundaries clearly and firmly.  Give no thought to their feelings, they are obviously not thinking about yours.

I know that there are exceptions to every rule, but if this is happening to you constantly then something is up.  Please search your heart to discover what you really want and when you want it.  Does it line up with God’s will for your life?  If so, embody it and your non-verbal messages will be clear for all to see.

I leave you with this quote.

“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
~W.C. Fields

All the best,

Louise

Feel free to leave a comment below.  If you have any questions send them to me at lifeaccordingtolouise@gmail.com.  I would love to hear from you!  Just remember, I am not a licensed therapist. You will get your answer based on life according to me – Louise.  Blessings!