Question number one: What do you do if your spouse’s sex drive is not the same as yours?

Standard

“Dear Louise,

What do you do if your spouse’s sex drive is not the same as yours?  Ok. Here is the situation.  I have a high sex drive. My husband?  Not as much… We both work hard everyday and by the time we come home he needs to relax and so do I.  The thing is the release that I get from sex is what helps me to relax.  Now, I don’t want to be a pain to my husband, so in order to give him peace, I purchased some “toys” to do the work when he is not able to accommodate me.  Let me be clear… He accommodates me often, I just happen to have a high libido.  He has recently shared with me that he feels offended by my “toys” and wants me to get rid of them.  I told him that I need this release in order to sleep.  I don’t drink alcohol or take drugs and warm milk will not do.  What do you suggest I do in this situation?  

Sincerely,

A.T. in IN”

Wow!  This literally was the first question that I received for this blog. Well Congratulations!  I hope the advice you find here will help you.  First of all, I would like to say that I am not and have never been married.  Therefore I can’t fully relate to your situation.  But I really care about you, and I am passionate about the sanctity of marriage, so I will make an attempt to help.  I want commend you and your spouse for being open and honest enough with one another to be able to talk freely about this.  I also want to commend you for finding a solution in something else as opposed to someone else.  I think you have good reason to be concerned about your spouse’s feelings. Sex is such a private matter.  The rules of engagement should really reside within the marriage.  However, since you asked, my advice for you would be the following:

1.  Keep it private:

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT bring anyone else in your business!  People often react in strange ways when they are aware of an awkward situation in someone else’s relationship.  When you share such personal information with a person that is not properly trained to handle it you risk gossip, sabotage, ridicule and any number of inappropriate behavior. If you must share it with someone, please follow advice number two.

2. Speak to a licensed professional:

You may be surprised (even relieved) to find out that your story is not unique. There are many licensed professionals who deal with this very issue.  You just need to know which ones to go to.  I recommend a good sex therapist or a marriage and family life therapist.  They deal with the issues of sex in a marriage more often than people realize.  This would reduce the chance of having to deal with inapropriate reactions. In addition, they are, by contract, obligated to keep your sessions private.  You want a mature and safe haven to discuss and resolve these matters.  As you can tell, I am big on privacy, (which is ironic, because I have a blog).  I have seen way too many situations where someone’s privacy was violated because they trusted the wrong person.  I am more so cautious because this concerns your marriage, which I want you to protect and preserve at all cost.  The third and final advice that I have to give to you is this…

3. Re-negotiate your deal:

In other words, bring the issue back to the table. Ask your spouse for their advice in your situation.  Are they willing to step up to the plate? Maybe they are…  if not, what are they suggesting?  Is there a deeper issue that they are not talking about?  Did you do your part in finding out  and doing what turns them on?  Do you or your spouse have a hormonal imbalance?  Do either of you have any sexual issues or baggages?  Ask yourself, is this really THAT important?  If it is, can there be a compromise?  In the grand scheme of things, is this a non negotiable situation?  What about love?  What about accountability? The love you feel for each other can enhance sex.  So what is really going on? Please take time to place yourselves in each other’s shoes. Ask yourselves, “Am I being reasonable?”

In my personal experience, I noticed that being open and vulnerable has always been helpful. You obviously love each other. I believe that you will find a solution. I will leave you with this quote,

“Lovers do not finally meet somewhere. They are in each other all along.” 
~Rumi 

I wish you all the best. Literally 😉

Blessings,

Louise

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2 responses »

  1. Alright Louise this is a very interesting blog I will be checking this regularly. To A.T. I just wonder, do you do anything to get your hubby in the mood? This could take a whole day’s preparation – you know? There are many little things that you can do such as giving a call or a text reminding him of your love for him or find little ways to get him thinking about it, send flowers drawing anything to get him in the romantic mood. pack some cashew or peanuts for a snack. Because you know marriage is not an airport where you just park your car and take off on a flight immediately you got to work this thing! You need that mental preparation girlfriend!

  2. Wow, Louise, what a thoughtful response to a difficult and sensitive matter. Marriage is such a sacred institution that needs to be protected at all costs and I love that your response reflects its sanctity.

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