Tag Archives: Marriage

Why We as Women Need to Ease Up On Men. — The Good Men Project

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the plow man better watch out - feb 16, 2008 #...

Why are men the way they are?  Click on the link below and read this great post…

Why We as Women Need to Ease Up On Men. — The Good Men Project.

Yep. They have emotions and insecurities just like us.  Who’da thunk it?

Is it possible to have a relationship where a man can be vulnerable and not come across as weak or immature to his special lady?

What do you think?

I think we need to let go of gender stereotypes and accept people as they are.  In the end, I think we would have less disappointments because we avoided the you-are-supposed-to-be-act-ect-like-this game.

What would authenticity in a relationship look like in you life?

I will leave you with this quote…

“Real connection (and if it’s LOVE, then real love)–goes beyond those not-so-perfect and superficial and idiosyncratic things that simply make us individuals. The trust and longevity of a relationship between two individuals is established through time and learning each other, and discovering a harmony at the core of their connection. And it becomes powerful because of where it resides–at the center of who we are–the very essence of our being.”

-Kelli Jae Baeli

Blessings,

Louise

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thegodmolecule: here is a tribe in Africa where…

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Mother and child, Zimbabwe

This is a beautiful and creative expression of love and nurturing of a child. Please read…

thegodmolecule: here is a tribe in Africa where….

  • If you had to write a song  for your child what would it be?
  • What are some of the lyrics?
  • If  you had a parent who decided to write a song from the moment he/she decided he/she wanted to conceive you, what would you have hoped it would have been?
  • If you had to write a song for your future child with your significant other, could you?  Why/why not?

I leave you with this quote…

“Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.”  David Ogden Stiers

Blessings,

Louise


Read more at 

This Recently Married Man Just Realized Marriage Is Not For Him

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I just read this blog post and had to share it with you.  Don’t be fooled by the title. If you are married or thinking about getting married, you need to read this…

This Recently Married Man Just Realized Marriage Is Not For Him.’

Now ask yourself the following questions:

1. “What type of sacrifices am I willing to make for my spouse?”

2. “Am I making these types sacrifices currently in my life?”

3. “If not, what is keeping me from doing so?”

If you don’t have any answers, I invite you to think seriously about it.

I would love to read your thoughts on this. Post your answers below!

In the meantime, I will leave you with this quote…

” There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep a house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.”  Homer

Blessings,

Louise

Question number nine: Where are the single men over thirty?

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English: Love Question

Dear Louise,

Congratulations on your blog.  I pray that God blesses you to have a lot of success!  Here is my question.  Please be patient as I try to explain myself.  When I was younger, I was always told that when I grow up, I will get married to the man God has chosen for me.  I became and adult and that man never came.  As I grew older, I went from the don’t-worry-just-wait-on-God club to the 20 questions interrogation Are-you-looking?-Did-you-make-a-list?-Did-you-pray-about-this?-Did-you-fast-and-pray? club to receiving pitying-glances-from-across-the room-because-she-never-got-married club. I’ve experienced being patronized, looked down on, disrespected and laughed at from others because of my singleness.  But the worst is when someone acts as if all of my emotions and life has dried up and died because of my age.  I actually heard a person say, that I no longer have romantic feelings because I am old.  I am in my thirties!  I heard this pastor say that some of us will never get married especially if we are older because the women outnumber the men and we need to just ‘deal with it’. On that note, where are the men???  I felt like the pastor was saying, ‘get over it already!’ Is it too late for me?  Should I just give up on love?  If so, what should I do with all these emotions and this deep desire to for companionship in the shape of a mate?   So, I wonder… Is that it for me?  Do I give up and accept my fate as a modern-day spinster?” (Yikes!  It makes me cringe just thinking about it). 

Thank you,

Still Single

Dear Still Single,

Don’t you dare give up!!!  Don’t you dare.  Not even a little bit!  There are still a lot of good single men out there who desire a deep committed relationship with a good woman. Yes even a woman who is in her thirties or above.  Honestly? I don’t believe that a woman is single because there is a lack of prospects  – I just don’t.  Is its easier to meet men when you are younger?  Yes, you definitely have more time and opportunities.  However as you get older, you become preoccupied with work and responsibilities. I know many examples of men and women whose social life took a backseat as they focused on building their careers and establishing financial security for themselves.  When you are over thirty you will have to become more creative in meeting like-minded individuals not because they do not exist.  They exist! Because they are busy with their lives. Trust me, they are wondering where you are as well.  So where are they?  I called some of my male friends to spill the beans and  here are three places where single men over thirty dwell…

1.  At work

I’ve met plenty of men who felt like they couldn’t get married until they were financially stable or until they felt they had all of their ducks in a row.   I find men to be very practical and responsible.  A good man knows that it marriage is expensive and deeply desires to be able to  provide for their family. This means a lot of time will be spent working on financial security, building status, making a name for himself… By the way, let me get on my soapbox for a moment… You wouldn’t believe the overwhelming self-esteem issues that some men have. It takes a lot of confidence to approach a woman & pursue something and to be in a relationship you do have to think that you have some thing to offer. Some guys don’t think they could maintain interest in a woman & consider themselves to be deficient. Therefore, they don’t bother until they feel like they are in a better position.

3. Online Dating Sites

As I said before, I find that men are extremely practical.  They look for the most logical and expedient way to get from point A to B. This makes online dating a very attractive solution.  From the comfort of their office or home, they could screen the opposite sex, take all the time they need to write a witty repartee, go out on dates and if it doesn’t work out rinse and repeat. The cool part is this – you can do this too!  Dating online today is widely accepted.  I now have lost count of how many couples I know who met online and are now married.  Make sure you proceed with caution (as you would in a face to face situation).  However, be open to letting go of fear and creating an authentic connection.  You just might be pleasantly surprised.

4. At home

Within the last few years I have been talking to more men about relationships which is always lots of fun.  However, on this journey, I came across a group of men that I don’t know where to place.  They are single and not dating.  They are not even trying to date…  They are not gay or a confirmed bachelor.  They want to be in a relationship, yet they are doing nothing about it!  I call them the sloth.  They go to work, they come home, they go to sleep and wake up the next morning to do it all over again.  They make no effort to meet, and connect with women. It’s like they gave up, maybe?  Very confusing…  I can’t give you more information about these gentlemen, but I intend to do more research and revisit this topic again.  I will say this, look around you.  In you circle of friends, in your neighborhood, in your church…  Is there anyone who’s just… there???  Find out why.  He may just be a diamond in the rough.  Again, many men are a lot  more shy than we might image.

I want you to be encouraged, this past year alone, I have had several of my female friends who are in their late thirties and early forties enter into relationships, got married, had children.  True story – It’s never too late!  I ask you to please, stay open and give “him” a chance.  I will leave you with this quote.

“If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life.”
Cher

All the best,

Louise

I need YOUR Advice on this one! Please help.  If you have any comments, feel free to post them below.  Any questions can be sent to lifeaccordingtolouise1@gmail.com

Question number seven: How can resist emotional blackmail?

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Pug Blackmail

Dear Louise,

I am thinking about breaking up with one of my friends.  This person always has to have their way and when they don’t they use guilt as a stick to beat me down.  It’s usually very subtle and I am tired of being around them.  I don’t even like who I am when I am with them.  I have spoken to this person about this behavior and they denied it saying that it was my issue.  They also said that I am too sensitive and they are only keeping it “real”.  Whatever that means!  What should I do?

– Fed up

Dear Fed up,

If what you are telling me is true then it sounds like you are dealing with a manipulative tactic called Emotional Blackmail (EB).

1. What is Emotional Blackmail?

Psychotherapist, Susan Forward defined emotional blackmail (EB) as a powerful form of manipulation in which blackmailers who are close to the victim threatens punishment, either directly or indirectly, in order to get what they want.  This can only work of the emotional blackmailer (EB) is a close relation or friend.  These individuals know where you feel the most vulnerable and will use it against you if it will help them.  You know you have been the victim of emotional blackmail when you feel emotionally drained, insecure, guilty or vulnerable in response to something someone said after you have rejected their request.

2. Examples of Emotional Blackmail…

The emotional blackmailer will say or imply some of the following:

“After all I’ve done for you…”

“How could you be so selfish…”

“I would do it for you…”

They bank on the fact that their victim want love and acceptance and have no problem using fear, obligation and guilt to get their way.  If you feel that you are being a victim of EB, here is one tactic that might help you.

3. Flat out rejection

If you feel you are being emotionally blackmailed into doing something that you don’t want to. For instance, you are being pressured to host a game night at your home when its inconvenient.  Flat out refuse. (This will take courage, mind you…) They may say, “What’s the problem? Why can’t you? I do it all the time!” Don’t worry about the emotions of guilt or shame that will rise within you.  They are there only because they have been triggered by this individual.  When you get a chance, privately go over the event to see if what you did what in fact rational.  You may find that it was but you are still feeling guilty.  Think about what is making you feel guilty.  Does it make sense?  If not.  Let it go.   Be warned, true EB’s will try to corner you into submission before you had time to think it through.  Don’t let them.  Rinse and repeat and the offender will probably leave you alone.  Sometimes completely alone!  You may lose a friend, but the good news is this.  If they do go way they were never your friend to begin with.

I hope you find this helpful.  I will leave you with this quote.

“If we are going to be kind, let it be out of simple generosity, not because we fear guilt or retribution.”
J.M. Coetzee

All the best,

Louise

For more information, Susan Forward wrote a great book on the subject called (you guessed it!) “Emotional Blackmail”. Check it out!

Are you a victim of Emotional Blackmail? Feel free to share your story or offer any advice here.  I just ask that you remain respectful in what you say. If you have any questions for me send them to lifeaccordingtolouise1@gmail.com.  I would love to hear from you!  Just remember, I am not a licensed therapist therefore not liable for any advice that is shared here. – Blessings! 

 

Question number one: What do you do if your spouse’s sex drive is not the same as yours?

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“Dear Louise,

What do you do if your spouse’s sex drive is not the same as yours?  Ok. Here is the situation.  I have a high sex drive. My husband?  Not as much… We both work hard everyday and by the time we come home he needs to relax and so do I.  The thing is the release that I get from sex is what helps me to relax.  Now, I don’t want to be a pain to my husband, so in order to give him peace, I purchased some “toys” to do the work when he is not able to accommodate me.  Let me be clear… He accommodates me often, I just happen to have a high libido.  He has recently shared with me that he feels offended by my “toys” and wants me to get rid of them.  I told him that I need this release in order to sleep.  I don’t drink alcohol or take drugs and warm milk will not do.  What do you suggest I do in this situation?  

Sincerely,

A.T. in IN”

Wow!  This literally was the first question that I received for this blog. Well Congratulations!  I hope the advice you find here will help you.  First of all, I would like to say that I am not and have never been married.  Therefore I can’t fully relate to your situation.  But I really care about you, and I am passionate about the sanctity of marriage, so I will make an attempt to help.  I want commend you and your spouse for being open and honest enough with one another to be able to talk freely about this.  I also want to commend you for finding a solution in something else as opposed to someone else.  I think you have good reason to be concerned about your spouse’s feelings. Sex is such a private matter.  The rules of engagement should really reside within the marriage.  However, since you asked, my advice for you would be the following:

1.  Keep it private:

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT bring anyone else in your business!  People often react in strange ways when they are aware of an awkward situation in someone else’s relationship.  When you share such personal information with a person that is not properly trained to handle it you risk gossip, sabotage, ridicule and any number of inappropriate behavior. If you must share it with someone, please follow advice number two.

2. Speak to a licensed professional:

You may be surprised (even relieved) to find out that your story is not unique. There are many licensed professionals who deal with this very issue.  You just need to know which ones to go to.  I recommend a good sex therapist or a marriage and family life therapist.  They deal with the issues of sex in a marriage more often than people realize.  This would reduce the chance of having to deal with inapropriate reactions. In addition, they are, by contract, obligated to keep your sessions private.  You want a mature and safe haven to discuss and resolve these matters.  As you can tell, I am big on privacy, (which is ironic, because I have a blog).  I have seen way too many situations where someone’s privacy was violated because they trusted the wrong person.  I am more so cautious because this concerns your marriage, which I want you to protect and preserve at all cost.  The third and final advice that I have to give to you is this…

3. Re-negotiate your deal:

In other words, bring the issue back to the table. Ask your spouse for their advice in your situation.  Are they willing to step up to the plate? Maybe they are…  if not, what are they suggesting?  Is there a deeper issue that they are not talking about?  Did you do your part in finding out  and doing what turns them on?  Do you or your spouse have a hormonal imbalance?  Do either of you have any sexual issues or baggages?  Ask yourself, is this really THAT important?  If it is, can there be a compromise?  In the grand scheme of things, is this a non negotiable situation?  What about love?  What about accountability? The love you feel for each other can enhance sex.  So what is really going on? Please take time to place yourselves in each other’s shoes. Ask yourselves, “Am I being reasonable?”

In my personal experience, I noticed that being open and vulnerable has always been helpful. You obviously love each other. I believe that you will find a solution. I will leave you with this quote,

“Lovers do not finally meet somewhere. They are in each other all along.” 
~Rumi 

I wish you all the best. Literally 😉

Blessings,

Louise