Tag Archives: Single Men

Question number 10: Why are men slow when it comes to asking me out?

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Dear Louise, 

I am a beautiful single woman and I am tired of it.  I know a lot of guys but none of them are asking me out.  I know for a fact that there are one or two who are attracted to me but they are not making any moves.  What is up with guys nowadays?  I feel like they are lazy, or too intimidated to ask me out.  What is the deal?

Sincerely,

Tired

Dear Tired,

Come my child… Let me give you a hug… There, there little one.  All will be well.  I want to start by apologizing for the late reply.  I recently relocated to NYC and the move was a little bit hectic.  Yet I have missed you, my readers much!  Ok, back to your question.  Unfortunately, yours is a common problem.  I have heard countless complaints about women who feel like they are left on a shelf somewhere constantly overlooked by men and I want you to know that my heart goes out to you.  There is a group of strong, independent, beautiful women who are perplexed because they are still single and rightly so. If you are the package, (beautiful, educated, employed, intelligent, funny, kind, you name it…) why are you single???  This is mind-boggling…  Well I have been talking to my group of male confidants to find an answer and I will share with you some of the things I have found out…

1. Men are confused

Why are men confused, you ask?  because you are sending mixed signals!  I said it!  Don’t bother to deny it!  Yes you are!!!  Listen, you walk into a room you notice him immediately and you know he notices you. You become excited then you begin to play what I call ‘crazy games’.  He tries to say hi to you but you ignore him.  You let him say hi to you but you spend the bulk of your time talking to everyone but him.  You put him in the friend zone.  You say mean things to him.  Why?  Because this is your version of playing “hard to get”.  Heaven forbid he would think that you were open.  He might mistake it for being easy.  Should you be easy?  Of course not!  But I think that the definitions of easy and hard to get needs to be looked at again.  Ask yourself, what should being easy or playing hard to get look like in my life?

2. Men are realistic

Before a guy approaches you he studies you and pretty much knows if you are ready to be approached by him for real.  Its kind of scary what he knows about you by the time he  has a serious conversation with you. He may already know that you wouldn’t give him the time of day because he doesn’t dress right or present himself like the guy he knows you actually have a crush on… Do you know that there is a a group of men who feels like they are on the shelf as well?  this is because a lot of women are too busy chasing mr. popularity, mr. dress well/looks fine, mr. deep voice tall man with shiny shoes and he knows for a fact that he doesn’t fall within that category.  Why bother if you know you are wasting your time.  It’s not realistic. That’s what he said…

3. Men are intimidated

I know, I know… Steve Harvey has asked us to switch the word out for ashamed.  In his book, “Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man”  he mentioned that a man might feel shame because he doesn’t feel like he is at the level he needs to be to court a woman like you and I agree with him. However, I don’t know if shame encompasses everything.   When he look at someone he is interested he sees you as high and exalted.  Sometimes women can be scary.  Especially if they don’t-need-a-man-for-anything!  I was talking to a male friend of mine the other day and he shared with me that men wanted to be the ‘Hero’ in the life of the women they loved.  He wants to be able to save the day for her, but we live in a place where unfortunately a lot of women are not allowing men the chance to be there for them.  Here’s an example…  I was in room filled with people at an event that just ended.  The event coordinators were primarily women – beautiful women.  They began the clean up process which included breaking down tables and putting chairs away.  When a few of them went lift a table a few men volunteered to help.  They instantly said no that they had it under control.  I watch the men insist (you could tell they wanted to do something nice for these ladies) but the ladies insisted vehemently that they “Have got this”.  Attention Ladies: If a man wants to be chivalrous please, Please, PLEASE let them. Get used to having the opposite sex cater to you.  Not just your romantic partner, your father, uncle, brother, male friend, neighbor.  Enjoy the perks of being a woman.  We all know that you can do it for yourself.  Everyone knows that you are more than capable of handling anything that comes your way, but isn’t it nice when someone else steps in and helps out just because they want to be nice.. to you???  I have seen women become so angry over a man trying to be polite that he gave up.  it’s intimidating to try to swim through all of that force.  Be careful that your wonder woman persona doesn’t get in the way of love.  To everything there is a season.  There’s a time to give and a time to receive.  I beg of you, please, when the opportunity comes, receive gracefully.

Ok… I think I have said enough for now.

I will leave you with this quote. “You don’t have to be perfect to let somebody love you. Remember, being yourself is the best way to make somebody fall in love with you.”  -Unknown

All the best,

Louise

Have any advice?  Share it!  If you have any comments, feel free to post them below.  Any questions can be sent to lifeaccordingtolouise1@gmail.com

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Question number nine: Where are the single men over thirty?

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English: Love Question

Dear Louise,

Congratulations on your blog.  I pray that God blesses you to have a lot of success!  Here is my question.  Please be patient as I try to explain myself.  When I was younger, I was always told that when I grow up, I will get married to the man God has chosen for me.  I became and adult and that man never came.  As I grew older, I went from the don’t-worry-just-wait-on-God club to the 20 questions interrogation Are-you-looking?-Did-you-make-a-list?-Did-you-pray-about-this?-Did-you-fast-and-pray? club to receiving pitying-glances-from-across-the room-because-she-never-got-married club. I’ve experienced being patronized, looked down on, disrespected and laughed at from others because of my singleness.  But the worst is when someone acts as if all of my emotions and life has dried up and died because of my age.  I actually heard a person say, that I no longer have romantic feelings because I am old.  I am in my thirties!  I heard this pastor say that some of us will never get married especially if we are older because the women outnumber the men and we need to just ‘deal with it’. On that note, where are the men???  I felt like the pastor was saying, ‘get over it already!’ Is it too late for me?  Should I just give up on love?  If so, what should I do with all these emotions and this deep desire to for companionship in the shape of a mate?   So, I wonder… Is that it for me?  Do I give up and accept my fate as a modern-day spinster?” (Yikes!  It makes me cringe just thinking about it). 

Thank you,

Still Single

Dear Still Single,

Don’t you dare give up!!!  Don’t you dare.  Not even a little bit!  There are still a lot of good single men out there who desire a deep committed relationship with a good woman. Yes even a woman who is in her thirties or above.  Honestly? I don’t believe that a woman is single because there is a lack of prospects  – I just don’t.  Is its easier to meet men when you are younger?  Yes, you definitely have more time and opportunities.  However as you get older, you become preoccupied with work and responsibilities. I know many examples of men and women whose social life took a backseat as they focused on building their careers and establishing financial security for themselves.  When you are over thirty you will have to become more creative in meeting like-minded individuals not because they do not exist.  They exist! Because they are busy with their lives. Trust me, they are wondering where you are as well.  So where are they?  I called some of my male friends to spill the beans and  here are three places where single men over thirty dwell…

1.  At work

I’ve met plenty of men who felt like they couldn’t get married until they were financially stable or until they felt they had all of their ducks in a row.   I find men to be very practical and responsible.  A good man knows that it marriage is expensive and deeply desires to be able to  provide for their family. This means a lot of time will be spent working on financial security, building status, making a name for himself… By the way, let me get on my soapbox for a moment… You wouldn’t believe the overwhelming self-esteem issues that some men have. It takes a lot of confidence to approach a woman & pursue something and to be in a relationship you do have to think that you have some thing to offer. Some guys don’t think they could maintain interest in a woman & consider themselves to be deficient. Therefore, they don’t bother until they feel like they are in a better position.

3. Online Dating Sites

As I said before, I find that men are extremely practical.  They look for the most logical and expedient way to get from point A to B. This makes online dating a very attractive solution.  From the comfort of their office or home, they could screen the opposite sex, take all the time they need to write a witty repartee, go out on dates and if it doesn’t work out rinse and repeat. The cool part is this – you can do this too!  Dating online today is widely accepted.  I now have lost count of how many couples I know who met online and are now married.  Make sure you proceed with caution (as you would in a face to face situation).  However, be open to letting go of fear and creating an authentic connection.  You just might be pleasantly surprised.

4. At home

Within the last few years I have been talking to more men about relationships which is always lots of fun.  However, on this journey, I came across a group of men that I don’t know where to place.  They are single and not dating.  They are not even trying to date…  They are not gay or a confirmed bachelor.  They want to be in a relationship, yet they are doing nothing about it!  I call them the sloth.  They go to work, they come home, they go to sleep and wake up the next morning to do it all over again.  They make no effort to meet, and connect with women. It’s like they gave up, maybe?  Very confusing…  I can’t give you more information about these gentlemen, but I intend to do more research and revisit this topic again.  I will say this, look around you.  In you circle of friends, in your neighborhood, in your church…  Is there anyone who’s just… there???  Find out why.  He may just be a diamond in the rough.  Again, many men are a lot  more shy than we might image.

I want you to be encouraged, this past year alone, I have had several of my female friends who are in their late thirties and early forties enter into relationships, got married, had children.  True story – It’s never too late!  I ask you to please, stay open and give “him” a chance.  I will leave you with this quote.

“If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life.”
Cher

All the best,

Louise

I need YOUR Advice on this one! Please help.  If you have any comments, feel free to post them below.  Any questions can be sent to lifeaccordingtolouise1@gmail.com