Tag Archives: Life

thegodmolecule: here is a tribe in Africa where…

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Mother and child, Zimbabwe

This is a beautiful and creative expression of love and nurturing of a child. Please read…

thegodmolecule: here is a tribe in Africa where….

  • If you had to write a song  for your child what would it be?
  • What are some of the lyrics?
  • If  you had a parent who decided to write a song from the moment he/she decided he/she wanted to conceive you, what would you have hoped it would have been?
  • If you had to write a song for your future child with your significant other, could you?  Why/why not?

I leave you with this quote…

“Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.”  David Ogden Stiers

Blessings,

Louise


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Question number eight: How can I help a friend who is grieving the loss of a loved one?

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Dear Louise,

My friend is suffering due to a death in their immediate family.  I want to reach out to help but I don’t want to intrude. Do you have some tips on how I can be supportive without overstepping my boundaries?

Sincerely,

-A Friend Who Cares

Dear Friend,

There are very few things in life worst than experiencing the death of a loved one. Providing support for someone who is grieving can be challenging.  With one wrong move we can say or do something that might act as a trigger and create more pain to an already hard situation.  However, it is not good to stand back and do nothing.  I have lived long enough to have lost, unfortunately, many loved ones.  I have also had the privilege to be able to support friends and family who were in mourning.   What I have learned along the way is that what the mourner needs from others the most for us to apply the principles of L.O.V.E.  I created this acronym to stand for the following:  L- Listen, O- Observe, V-Value, E-Empathize

1. Listen:

Take time to listen.  Listening is a skill that needs to be learned.  You are effectively listening when you let the other person speak freely without interruption, without interruption, without interruption!!!  This is not the time to give advice or share your opinion, story, point of view etc…  If you truly want to listen, then you must truly be quiet and allow the other person to speak for as long as they want until THEY feel that they have been heard.  A person who is grieving may want to talk about their feelings and need someone whom they can trust to speak to.  If that person is you please remember that its about them not you.  This will require humility, and patience.

 

2. Observe:

In other words, pay attention to your surroundings to the person who is mourning. Become acclimated with their mannerism and look for opportunities to help.  Buy groceries if you notice they are missing.  If the doorbell is ringing, answer it.  Paying attention allows you to help in specific ways.  For example, you notice you’re your friend’s home is a little untidy and you know there are guest coming.  You can offer to help clean.  This is more beneficial then saying, “If you need anything let me know.” Most people who are mourning are generally so overwhelmed that they wouldn’t even know what to ask for.  So offer to give rides to out of town relatives instead.  You will find more to do by building your observation skills.  By the way, always give them the option to say no and respect it.

3. Value:

Value is about respect.  Do not judge mourner behavior or words in a negative light.  You might see a person who is grieving say or do something strange.  If it is not hurting anyone, leave him or her to it.  Their journey is their own.  They have a right to their feelings and emotions.   They have a right to do what they need to in order to find healing and peace.  Never belittle them, instead, quietly support them.

4. Empathize:

To truly understand somebody, you have to walk in their shoes.  You will see behavior that may not make any sense if you judge it from your worldview and perspective.  You must try to image what life looks like at that moment using their filter.  When in doubt always ask yourself, “If I were in their shoes, what would I have done?” This will help you be more sensitive to their needs and enable you to be able to help effectively.

There is a lot of information out there on this topic.  I encourage you to read books on this topic, look up blogs, and talk to some professional counselors and clergy for advice.  The sad truth is this.  Sooner or later we will all be in a positions where our friend will need our help because they are grieving.  May we all be ready…  I will leave you with this quote.

Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. – Earl Grollman

Blessings,

Louise

If you have any comments, feel free to post them below.  Any questions can be sent to lifeaccordingtolouise1@gmail.com

Question number one: What do you do if your spouse’s sex drive is not the same as yours?

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“Dear Louise,

What do you do if your spouse’s sex drive is not the same as yours?  Ok. Here is the situation.  I have a high sex drive. My husband?  Not as much… We both work hard everyday and by the time we come home he needs to relax and so do I.  The thing is the release that I get from sex is what helps me to relax.  Now, I don’t want to be a pain to my husband, so in order to give him peace, I purchased some “toys” to do the work when he is not able to accommodate me.  Let me be clear… He accommodates me often, I just happen to have a high libido.  He has recently shared with me that he feels offended by my “toys” and wants me to get rid of them.  I told him that I need this release in order to sleep.  I don’t drink alcohol or take drugs and warm milk will not do.  What do you suggest I do in this situation?  

Sincerely,

A.T. in IN”

Wow!  This literally was the first question that I received for this blog. Well Congratulations!  I hope the advice you find here will help you.  First of all, I would like to say that I am not and have never been married.  Therefore I can’t fully relate to your situation.  But I really care about you, and I am passionate about the sanctity of marriage, so I will make an attempt to help.  I want commend you and your spouse for being open and honest enough with one another to be able to talk freely about this.  I also want to commend you for finding a solution in something else as opposed to someone else.  I think you have good reason to be concerned about your spouse’s feelings. Sex is such a private matter.  The rules of engagement should really reside within the marriage.  However, since you asked, my advice for you would be the following:

1.  Keep it private:

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT bring anyone else in your business!  People often react in strange ways when they are aware of an awkward situation in someone else’s relationship.  When you share such personal information with a person that is not properly trained to handle it you risk gossip, sabotage, ridicule and any number of inappropriate behavior. If you must share it with someone, please follow advice number two.

2. Speak to a licensed professional:

You may be surprised (even relieved) to find out that your story is not unique. There are many licensed professionals who deal with this very issue.  You just need to know which ones to go to.  I recommend a good sex therapist or a marriage and family life therapist.  They deal with the issues of sex in a marriage more often than people realize.  This would reduce the chance of having to deal with inapropriate reactions. In addition, they are, by contract, obligated to keep your sessions private.  You want a mature and safe haven to discuss and resolve these matters.  As you can tell, I am big on privacy, (which is ironic, because I have a blog).  I have seen way too many situations where someone’s privacy was violated because they trusted the wrong person.  I am more so cautious because this concerns your marriage, which I want you to protect and preserve at all cost.  The third and final advice that I have to give to you is this…

3. Re-negotiate your deal:

In other words, bring the issue back to the table. Ask your spouse for their advice in your situation.  Are they willing to step up to the plate? Maybe they are…  if not, what are they suggesting?  Is there a deeper issue that they are not talking about?  Did you do your part in finding out  and doing what turns them on?  Do you or your spouse have a hormonal imbalance?  Do either of you have any sexual issues or baggages?  Ask yourself, is this really THAT important?  If it is, can there be a compromise?  In the grand scheme of things, is this a non negotiable situation?  What about love?  What about accountability? The love you feel for each other can enhance sex.  So what is really going on? Please take time to place yourselves in each other’s shoes. Ask yourselves, “Am I being reasonable?”

In my personal experience, I noticed that being open and vulnerable has always been helpful. You obviously love each other. I believe that you will find a solution. I will leave you with this quote,

“Lovers do not finally meet somewhere. They are in each other all along.” 
~Rumi 

I wish you all the best. Literally 😉

Blessings,

Louise